Wednesday, May 12, 2010

So here we are, in the NOW.

Last night, I heard the song "Adventure" by Angels & Airwaves, a band I wouldn't normally associate myself with, and I said out loud, "this song makes me want to go to Hof's Hut!". In case you are not familiar, Hof's Hut is a Coco's-type restaurant that exists in Orange county. Thinking of Hof's Hut on Chapman in Orange made me think of my old apartment off of Main Street, next to the Children's Hospital in Orange. I immediately got a pang in my belly. Moving to Orange from the Inland Empire was a HUGE deal. My family is very close-knit, and everyone is generally twenty minutes away from one another. When I got the urge to move out of my family's house, I started looking outward. Way outward. I happened to stumble upon someone who already lived in Orange, and wanted a roommate. I told him I could only afford $600. He said, "that's fine". This was the spring of 2006, when I worked at a Hot-Topic type store and had a hoop in my lip. I ended up moving away from my family two weeks after my grandmother died, which was also a HUGE deal. No one in my life other than my great-grandmother and some distant cousins have died in my family, and my grandma was like my mom.

I had a sense of independence I had never felt before. I had lived away from my family before, but it was with an ex-boyfriend, and we were always struggling. This felt different. I was in charge of my life. If something broke, there was no one around but myself to fix it. I ate whatever I wanted. I did whatever I wanted. I was free. The room I had was massive, literally as big as the entire apartment I share with my husband now. I had my own bathroom, my roommate was never home, and I could hear the fireworks from Disneyland every night out my window. The Starbucks closed at 1 a.m.! I still worked in the I.E., and every time I drove home, I would hit the 55 freeway from the 91 and it was magical. When I was a kid, hitting the 55 freeway meant we were almost at the beach. Now I lived off of it! I wish I could explain in more detail how amazing that time in my life was. I don't ever recall having depression during that time (well, except at the very end of the 9 months I was there-but that's a whole other blog). I had a "friend with benefits", I could do whatever I wanted.

After thinking of my time there, I said out loud, "I miss Orange County. I miss my life". My husband turned to me and said, "are you serious?". I told him yes, I was. I had no one to rely on but myself back then. I had no crutch when things went down. I WAS FREE. The thing is, was I? When I was in that time, did I not stress about money? Did I not have work woes? Did the "friend with benefits" not break my heart time and time again? Of course they did. But I happen to believe, as I always have, that the past experiences are always better than the present. At that time, when that time was the present, I probably would trade it all in for my grandmother still being alive. I probably cried myself to sleep every night for a month. The whole time I lived 20 minutes away from the beach, I never went. But yet, I always glamorize my past, and my past is always better than what it is now. I hate my life at the moment. I am afraid to leave my house. I am 100 pounds overweight. I have missed friends and families birthday parties, baby showers, holidays. Just six months ago I had a townhouse, a great job and nothing to worry about. I miss my life then. 18 months ago I was planning a wedding, was only 50 pounds overweight and after a long struggle, my fiancé was living with me. I miss my life then. It goes on and on and on. I am never satisfied with how I am feeling NOW. I have always had the option of change, and now I have to be concerned with how that will affect my husband. I don't know how to love myself and appreciate the things I have in the moment. My life is always yesterday.

P.S. The Hof's Hut down the street from my house? It closed down.

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