Monday, June 21, 2010

Unfinished Business.

We're moving. We set it in stone, bought the tickets, and it's full steam ahead. I had a major meltdown last night due to missing all the things I wrote about in my former blogs (My grandpa, cats, California, etc.) I mean straight up sobbing. My husband brought me a Xanax which helped. I had a couple of dreams last night which prompted me to write this blog in particular. The subject is something I have been thinking about for a while now because of my own demons. I would really love advice on whether I should try and "bury the hatchet" or "let sleeping dogs lie". I'll begin.

When I was in junior high there was a new girl. I liked her, she was really shy but very friendly. It seemed like we would have stuff in common, so me and my then-BFF welcomed her and the three of us hung out around school and stuff. At the time, I didn't realize my BFF would eventually become a grade-A backstabbing bitch. Anyway, she would talk me into acting really cruel towards the new girl. My brain is foggy with the details, but I can remember that we really just weren't that nice to her (Think the movie "Mean Girls". It's true that all us girls do everything that is portrayed in that movie). Towards the end of the school year my BFF had stolen every boyfriend I had, and even lied to get a girl to try and beat me up. All the friends I had gained had shunned me and spread terrible rumors about me. I was terrified. I didn't want to go to school anymore. It felt like my life was over. Eventually someone new befriended me and she is one of my best friends to this day. She and her group of friends made me not afraid to come to school. By this time the new girl had made some of her own friends, and we became acquaintances. I promised myself never to be like that to anyone ever again, because I knew what comes around, goes around.

Fast forward three years later. I am in high school, and I just swallowed a handful of pills that landed me in the hospital on a "5150" (look it up). The reason I did this is because a month earlier my boyfriend, the love of my life, my everything, and I had broken up. He continued to come over and sleep with me, then leave faster than he could put his pants back on. I rationalized with myself that even if I couldn't have him fully I could at least keep him around by enticing him with sex (something I continued to do later in my adult years). One day he was supposed to come over, and I had talked my mom into making his favorite meal. I put a sundress on, got all dolled up, and waited for him to show up. And waited. He finally called me an hour late and told me it wasn't a good idea if we even hung out anymore. I was crushed. Numb. Devastated. The day we had broken up I had secretly hid a combination of pills in a jar that I knew would interact and a small bottle of water...just in case. Well, today proved to be that day.

It took me an hour after ingestion to fall off my bed and let my parents know what I had done, and they rushed me to the hospital where they stuck a tube down my throat and pumped my stomach. I saw my mom watching through the little window in the door and it broke my heart. Since this was the third (!) suicide attempt they had to commit me involuntarily for 72 hours. The same week my ex was graduating from high school, I was in a psychiatric hospital. A close guy friend, who is still one of my best friends to this day as well, would call to check on me and I would always ask about my ex. He informed me that at his graduation party he hooked up with...new girl. By this time new girl wasn't just pretty she was stunning. She definitely grew into her looks. I was crushed, but I also gained the resolve to move on and not look back. When I got out I didn't hear from my ex for about two months. He and new girl were official, and I was busy preparing for my senior year. One day out of the blue, he called me to see how I was. He had told me he missed me and wanted to come over. I didn't want him to but, I admit, I missed him terribly and would do anything he asked. He came over and...we slept together. As soon as it was over, he told me he regretted coming over because he really liked new girl and said he wouldn't see me again. I wasn't hurt. I was MAD. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

A week or so later I was ready to execute my plan. I called my ex and invited him over by using my feminine wiles. He was more than happy to oblige. He came over and we chit-chatted, talking about how hot this August day was. He started kissing me and one thing of course led to another. When it was over, he told me it was a mistake coming over, that he liked his girlfriend a lot blah blah blah. I told him okay, I understand, no problem. He started to leave and I shut my screen door and locked it. He said "see you around", and I said, "no, I don't think you will". I held up my tape recorder, rewound it, and pressed "Play".

I'd like to interject into this part of my story and tell you that until this day, I never had a mean, sadistic, vindictive bone in my body. If someone didn't like me (just like how I feel today), I would be devastated and would do anything to make them see I was a good person. I had gone through so much over my ex that I snapped. I wouldn't let him take advantage of me anymore. I wouldn't let myself be sucked in by his power and my love for him. I look back and have to tell you this incident was the only time in my life I a)constructed a great plan, but b)had the balls and hatred to actually do something this heinous. Most of my ex-employees would hear me after going back into the kitchen area say, "I am going to stab that bitch at table 54", but those are just words. I've never punched or slapped anyone. I've never spit in anyone's face. I don't have it in me. Except this day.

My ex was furious. He threw a full soda can at the door and screamed at the top of his lungs every expletive in the book before he got in his car and sped away. I knew where he was headed, he was on his way to do damage control after I dropped the bomb on his girlfriend. Like I said, new girl and I were acquaintances by this time, so I had her telephone number. War always inflicts casualties, and unfortunately that was new girl. I called her up and before I could even get it out, I started to cry. This wasn't her fault. My intention was never to hurt her, I wanted my ex to feel as bad as he had made me feel. I apologized over and over again as I told her what had just conspired. She was devastated. She asked me to play the tape. I did. She hung up on me. I deserved it. That was the last time I would ever see her or hear from her again.

They stayed together for only a couple of months after that, and without my ex I had the best summer and winter of my life. I was happy, I hung out with friends that I had set aside for my ex, got a new boyfriend that lived in San Diego (I would secretly ditch school and drive two hours to see him-best memories of my life), and was full of life. Six months later my ex called me and told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, that he was so sorry for putting me through any pain, that he would do anything to get me back, and after a month of groveling I gave in and it really was amazing. Three months later I got pregnant, and the rest is history.

The thing is, it eats away at me. Some of my best friends are her friends as well, and when I know she will be at an event I won't go. I'm too chicken. I would like to think that the past is behind her, but it's not. At a party my best guy friend was at (the one that would call me when I was in the psych ward), he ran into her and my ex talking. They are still friends after all these years. He said hi to her, and the subject of my son popped up. She called me a "loser", and a "terrible mom" because I don't see my son that often, that my ex has full custody of him. My friend, the wonderful guy that he is, tried to explain it wasn't like that, there are circumstances other than me just "not caring" (namely my bipolar), but she didn't buy it. If I was in her shoes I would hate me too. Venomously. Like wish her dead hate me.

I've gone on to her Facebook. She's married now. She's beautiful, like oh my God you could be a model beautiful. That's all I know about her. I've wanted to talk to her for a while now, to tell her how sorry I am, to try and explain my side of the story, that she was just in the crossfire, but I can't bring myself to do it. I feel like now, saying goodbye to my friends and family before I live overseas, may be a good time to talk to her but I don't know if I'm ready to hear the reply. I don't want to dredge up old wounds for her. For all I know she could have completely forgotten the incident and I'm the stupid one who hasn't. I'm really conflicted. Just in case I never muster up the courage to do so, I'll do it here.

New girl, I know that you probably think the absolute worst of me. I don't blame you if you saw my name and deleted this message before you even got a chance to read this. I've thought of you for a long time now. I know some of your friends are my friends and you may hear my name in passing. I know you still talk to my ex and hear the things he says about me regarding our son. I'm not writing to you to defend myself or change your mind about me. What I am here to do is to tell you how unbelievably sorry I am if I ever made you cry just one tear. What I did to you in high school with my ex, your boyfriend at the time, was unforgivable. It was not meant to punish you in any way. The only reason I did it was because I was selfish. I wanted you to know what a terrible person your boyfriend was and I wanted to hurt him in the worst way possible, which meant going through you. If you have forgotten about this, I'm sorry to have brought it up. I also know you have a very poor opinion of me regarding my son and our relationship. Due to his issues and my issues, it was better for him and everyone involved if he lived with my ex and not me. A lot of things happened during the years that cemented that. You can think what you want of me, I don't want to sway your opinion, but please know that I do love my son with all of my heart, and that's why I know he is better off without me. I don't expect a reply or forgiveness, I just wanted you to know my side of the story and apologize to you. Take care.


1 comments:

spyder said...

I'm thankful I didn't notice this post when you put it up - because at the time I would've told you to go for it (that's my first instinct, but trying to explain myself after a relationship mistake has gotten me into trouble before).

Having read your other posts in the last month? I think dredging up the memories will only hurt you both and that's the last thing you need right now. The only way anything positive could come out of it is if she forgives you - and it sounds like that isn't going to happen.

You don't need to justify to her why you love your son, because *you love your son*. It just is. Nobody else needs to acknowledge that for it to be true, nor does it matter that someone things you don't. I'm not going to sugar coat this - it's a sad fact of life that not everybody loves you (you just have to keep in mind there are more than enough of us who *do* to make up for it).


Maybe years down the track when you both get old and realise friends are important you'll reconnect - or maybe she'll simply never be able to forgive you. Either way right in the middle of moving stress is the wrong time to find out.

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